I thought that I should say something about the Republican candidates.

What?

Only kidding

 NOT.

Because really, what is there to say?  I swear, and I shouldn’t, especially because I’m about to make biblical reference, but honestly,  the Christian Republican Party’s field of candidates bear an uncanny resemblance to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They’re like death, famine, pestilence and war. I’ll talk about "Plus One” later.

Let’s start with Mitt Romney. If ever there was a symbol for death it’s him. He looks dead when he’s smiling. He looks dead when he’s angry. He looks dead when he's  earnest. He looks dead when...well...you know the drill. Romney is  attractive, sorta, you know, like a pale mannequin in the window of a men’s clothing store, or a male model in a cheap Macy’s ad. Can you imagine having to look and  listen to him for four years? He makes me think that I see dead people!

Then there’s my old pal, Huckleberry Slim, that other horseman. Get where I’m going? Mike “Hee Haw” Huckabee surely knows something about famine. He lost 112 pounds –ME! – and for that I respect him, but other than that…

Somewhere in Florida is that PEST-ilence, Rudy Giuliani who is SO annoying. He’s like a pesty little gnat who buzzes around your ears and no matter how many times you swat it, he won’t go away. Mr. Giuliani needs to go away.

He's been hanging out in Florida lately, with his many fellow transplanted New Yorkers. That's a step in the right direction. He knew no one west of the East Coast was going to take his candidacy seriously so he went south, for which I give him some credit. He’s there playing Presidential Candidate while the temperature plummets everywhere else. So at least when he loses in Florida, he’ll go home with a consolation prize: a tan.

Which leads me to war… and guess who, John McCain, the “I never saw a war I didn’t like” candidate; the man who likes to call himself a maverick who is anything but. McCain is as conventional a politician as ever there was one, and he has mastered the art of pandering bar none.

I also think he’s fallen off his white horse one too many times. His positions seem more assumed for political gain rather than conviction. He was for Donald Rumsfeld before he was against him and he didn’t exactly take a stand on replacing him. He was also for technology before he was for the surge. Now he’s taking credit for the surge to garner the vote of the two-thirds of Republicans who still support the war effort for reasons it’s hard to comprehend.

Which takes me to  “Plus One"…that would be Fred Thompson, sometimes a candidate, but mostly not. He’s like one of the characters he plays on television—fictional, therefore not real, therefore I have nothing more to say about him. After South Carolina the Hollywood character actor who will never receive the Oscar for his role in Campaign 2008 portraying Ronald Reagan will fade into the sunset …and as the sun creeps over the horizon, like his candidacy, the screen will go dark and read “the end.”

The Republicans know just how terrible their field of candidates are. In the primaries even Republicans aren’t voting for Republicans.